Because of my pride,because i don't let poeple see how vulnerable i am. I want to be the first, i want to be noticed and praised. I want appreciation that is rightful ,i want encouragement.
If i hear any word against me ,that man is gone.
I hate mistakes. I hate the feeling of guilt that creeps everytime i do sth i shouldn't have done. I hate criticizing myself ,overprotecting myself.
It is not that i hate discipline ,i hate not giving credit to what i do and emphasizing the wrongdoings in me.
and then flashes come back to my mind, pieces of conversations,of my words where u see clearly that i limit myself .
Have become my worst enemy haven't i ? huhh.
-what are u doing at 2 a'clock?
-oh a job interview.I don't think i am going though.
-Why?
-it's a part time job about marketing .I don't know much about marketing.
-So what?When you came here u knew nothing and look what you have atchieved now.
-hmm good point.and the employer sounded such a nice person on the phone.it's like the leadership job..you know i would like to read that book you were reading before about leadership.I love intelligent and disciplined poeple.Leadership without discipline is not leadership.
-true and one of the factors of being a good leader is knowing what people are you working with ,their strengths ,their weaknesses, their talents.
-That is true too.Some leaders are born,some become while training,some don't, some don't want to.
-but wait ,everybody is a leader at some extent;leader of his own life, of his family, of his group, of his political party, of his company, of his nation and so on.
ah by the way ,elections today huh?
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it is so easy for me to write pages about a trapped girl in her own sandclock glass seeking for help rather then forget my pride and be open to ask for help or be open to show my true feelings of vulnerability. It comes so easy writing,like now. Why is that? Why?
I have already changed ,for good changed some of my ways that i am sure i will never turn to them . But my heart is still guarded ,is still afraid of-- i don't know ----disapointment i guess,fear of failing ,i want to be successful always. pfff, and i have to have patience.
The challenge is so difficult for me to overcome.I want things quick and fast.
Anyways after lamenting about what i hate -sounds like a movie:10 things i hate about myself
i want to thank some people in my life that have been very patient with me.At least sb has some patience in this world where you want things done fast cos hey the time goes in a snap, u have an appointment here, a doctor's visit there, a project later on and blah blah blah.
Sure when i read this letter later i will sound pathetic to myself.i know the cycle of my thinking by heart.
I know i am not doing very well spiritually ,but i will try my very best to keep hope and optimism high.Thnx also to you two .You girls have taught me many things ,one is looking deep into myself and rediscovering myself,believing in 6th sense,keep changing and changing. Thnx for being such good friends.