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- Gjuha Angleze (http://www.forumihorizont.com/forumdisplay.php3?forumid=165)
-- One by one...This is it! (http://www.forumihorizont.com/showthread.php3?threadid=18381)

One by one...This is it!

It was like yesterday when I first came into my senses that being free (as a free human being) was the best of all my decisions ever! Being a girl it wasn't easy in my family. My father was so predictable, and my mother was just my mother ( who was afraid that I wouldn't never get married), and being married was the biggest step for a girl ( not like me!) in the Albanian stylish ( foolish) life!
And so on! I remember the first day that I was way from home, missing everyone and everything, was I happy for sure? What was I missing? I didn't have the right answer, or maybe I was missing what was left there; my pictures, my diaries, my secret love letters never mailed to the right address, and my smooth pillow ( full of tears when I was hurt), and this is it!
I grew up so fast! I grew up with huge rules! What about rules? What about them? What about me?

Waiting for the next msg...

Citim:

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Po citoj ato që tha Fajtori
Waiting for the next msg...

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Citim:

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Po citoj ato që tha cecilia


Sa kurjoz qe je ore

Leni gocat rehat... te rriten

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What about rules? "You want to tell me what the hell is going on?"

I have to remind to myself that family rules should apply to everybody, and rules define what's allowed in a family! In contrary, there were personal limits mostly applied in my family, and they were so far from self- called( family rules). There were unwritten rules, and by just listening to the same " music" the whole time , was a terrible feeling! And I was the one who mostly got hurt , because I was a female, the only one female who looked beyond that reality!
For instance, I felt something that says " Ana , friends are only inside the classroom! Do you understand? We want you to be home after 1:30 ( the last class)!"
In my point of view that was not a family rule, that was a personal limit! So, for my brother Edi there were no rules at all, he could play after school with his friends, he could party with his friends, he could have girlfriends, he could have a beer, he could smoke, or even get home after midnight ( because he was a male, a so called "man" from my father).
Edi was the boss of me as well! Even if he was only 2 years older than me, he had the " right" to scream at me, to even yell at me, and to even hit me! He was the opposite of me!
The only right that ( I actually still remember) that I loved in my house was the right of studies! I've always found myself in the middle of books, reading for hours ( after I have done all my chores around the house for sure as a female!) And as a matter of fact the fewer rules in a family, the better life you will give to your children!
How about personal limits? They shouldn't exists at all, because if you apply them, you will only destroy what you have " created" as parents, you will destroy what's called Child!

Ana, a word of avice. If you going to blame your parents for all your troubles in your life. Also praise them for the good things in your life as well.

Hello there! I'm not blaming no one! I'm telling the truth, and "the truth hurts!"( as it said by the Americans !)
Have a blessed afternoon!

Citim:

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Po citoj ato që tha Ana1
Hello there! I'm not blaming no one! I'm telling the truth, and "the truth hurts!"( as it said by the Americans !)
Have a blessed afternoon!

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Please ( readers), I will let you know when I'm done writing my memories! Don't try to judge me as all Albanian people do! Try to be calm, try to think beyond yourselves as human beings! Try to be more civil with my notes! I'm trying to think positive, and maybe I may help someone who may found him(herself)in my shoes! And I'm pretty sure that there are a lot of females who have passed on my way as an Albanian female, raised by Albanian parents! And my first point of view is to talk about the Albanian reality to which has more needs in calculating the reality than the virtuality! I know how to dream beautifully, but I can't effort it as a huge prize for helping others!
Thank you much!l

Citim:

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Po citoj ato që tha Ana1
Please ( readers), I will let you know when I'm done writing my memories! Don't try to judge me as all Albanian people do! Try to be calm, try to think beyond yourselves as human beings! Try to be more civil with my notes! I'm trying to think positive, and maybe I may help someone who may found him(herself)in my shoes! And I'm pretty sure that there are a lot of females who have passed on my way as an Albanian female, raised by Albanian parents! And my first point of view is to talk about the Albanian reality to which has more needs in calculating the reality than the virtuality! I know how to dream beautifully, but I can't effort it as a huge prize for helping others!
Thank you much!l

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God LoL!! damn if you do, damn if you don't!!

Citim:

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Po citoj ato që tha Iyua
God LoL!! damn if you do, damn if you don't!!

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Citim:

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Po citoj ato që tha RIP Gibbs
to write two sentences it takes to her 29 minutes ..haha im very impressed..

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Citim:

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Po citoj ato që tha Iyua


Be gentle

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Citim:

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Po citoj ato që tha RIP Gibbs
sory miss Iyua

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My uncle Toni

It was my uncle Toni and his gorgeous wife Greta who waited for me at the international airport JFK ( New York). They seemed happy to see me, and they invited me to have dinner at " James restaurant". It wasn't any fancy restaurant ( as I dreamed about the American restaurants in general!) but I extremely enjoyed the Italian food. I ate more than you could ever expect for an 18 years old girl ( regarding the "girls diet") as stated by uncle Toni. He made me smile by telling me that I may start working as a helper at his pizzeria!
" you know how to write English Ana, don't you sweetheart?" asked me my uncle Toni.
" sure I do know how to write and how to speak English, why you asking me uncle?" I answered while giving him and his wife a beautiful smile.
" it's very important for you to know the language, because you need a job right way Ana, so you can help out yourself with college, and your family as well! Anyhow, I'm very sure that by giving you a chance to work as my helper in my pizzeria, you may be rich very soon!"
I stared at him, and I said " please give me a break here uncle! How can I be rich if I only have $300.00 in my pocket right now?"
It was my uncle Toni as a sponsor visa who brought me to the US, and I'm very grateful for his hospitality!

Ana, don't get lost on discussions. Keep writing what you wanted to. Waiting for the next msg...

Other people: please try to understand when it is inappropriate (or too early) to chat, talk or judge. Also, try to understand when personal experience is elusive to any kind of social approval or disproval.

Thank you!
I do really appreciate your support! I will try my best!

How about my personal limits?

As far as I could remember, I wasn't allowed to have a best friend. So, all of my classmates were only classmates! I can clearly remember Eva( with whom I shared the desk for 12 scholastic years) asking me if she can come to visit me during the summer, and I felt bad when I refused her friendship ( by telling her that I won't be home during the summer!)
I was a friendly person ( and I'm still the same one), but I acted as my mother wanted me to act! She taught me how to cook and how to clean, how to make a good coffee, how to fix my bedroom, how to wash the dishes, and she taught me the most important lesson which was ; " never go to sleep if there are dishes on the sink, and if there is any mess in the house!"
On the other side, for my brother Edi everything went easy in his life, and I swear to my life that I'm not jealous of him, I'm only afraid that he can't never make it in his life without my father's guide, and help! He is daddy's boy, and he's so selfish as a person.
He will never learn how important is to have a sister as me, and he will never figured out how badly I needed (and I need) him in my life ( as a brother and as a friend)! I love my brother, and I never told him how much he means to me, and how lucky I am to have someone to talk about it!

Re: What about rules? "You want to tell me what the hell is going on?"

Citim:

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Po citoj ato që tha Ana1
I have to remind to myself that family rules should apply to everybody, and rules define what's allowed in a family! In contrary, there were personal limits mostly applied in my family, and they were so far from self- called( family rules). There were unwritten rules, and by just listening to the same " music" the whole time , was a terrible feeling! And I was the one who mostly got hurt , because I was a female, the only one female who looked beyond that reality!
For instance, I felt something that says " Ana , friends are only inside the classroom! Do you understand? We want you to be home after 1:30 ( the last class)!"
In my point of view that was not a family rule, that was a personal limit! So, for my brother Edi there were no rules at all, he could play after school with his friends, he could party with his friends, he could have girlfriends, he could have a beer, he could smoke, or even get home after midnight ( because he was a male, a so called "man" from my father).
Edi was the boss of me as well! Even if he was only 2 years older than me, he had the " right" to scream at me, to even yell at me, and to even hit me! He was the opposite of me!
The only right that ( I actually still remember) that I loved in my house was the right of studies! I've always found myself in the middle of books, reading for hours ( after I have done all my chores around the house for sure as a female!) And as a matter of fact the fewer rules in a family, the better life you will give to your children!
How about personal limits? They shouldn't exists at all, because if you apply them, you will only destroy what you have " created" as parents, you will destroy what's called Child!

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How about females? ( in general)

In Albania each female`s life was seen primarily in terms of her reproductive role. People usually connect the female life cycle with the family life cycle.
On the other side , in America (unlike men), most females are more likely to view their career as insurance against not getting married, or have had a bad marriage, and difficult economic circumstances.
For example, single mothers and married woman tend to work only in the economic interest of the family. Most females do not report dreams in which their careers stand out, and this is awful!
In general females are more likely than males to disclose personal information to a friend( only by holding hands they are displaying other signs of affection). Females have strong emotions, and they take responsibility, and show initiative as well.

Oh the good old days. so r u working as a hostess or as a bassgirl? let me know when u become a waitress.

I became an RN. Very far from waitress. Helping people in need is my first priority ( from now and on!). I work 40 hrs a week, and I`m very happy with my job ( because I love it.) I got payed very well, you must know that.
Anyway, it was a pleasure to chat with you. If you ever may need a job ( as a waiter), I wont mind if you ask me. You can work for me ( for my uncle), don`t be surprised! As my uncle Toni told me , "You may become rich one day!")
Have a healthy and happy afternoon.

Boring defense mechanism. Sarcasm is outdated my dear. I payed for my college working as a bassboy, waiter or pizzaman so i dont have a problem with any of that.
Also I was reading your little unwinding that you have posted here and I felt sad. I have two sisters and I dont know if they ever felt the way that you did but I sincerely believe that your parents wanted the best for you thats why they did what they did. Hope you find peace my dear... or smth similar to that.

Way from home

The first time that I have been way from home, I felt the freedom moving forward in my veins. I kept smiling to everyone, I felt confident with myself. I felt free. Free from what? From whom I was running away?!

From what and from whom was I running away

I was running away from the ignorance! The principal developmental task confronting young adults in the stage of intimacy versus isolation is to reach out and make connections with other people.
"To love and to work" as said by Freud ( explaining that by love he meant the generosity of intimacy as well as genital pleasure).
A general work reproductiveness should not preoccupy the individual to the extent that there will be a loss in one`s night or capacity to be a sexual and a loving being. And isolation is the inability to take chances with one`s identity by sharing true intimacy...

hello little sis, I`m getting married!

"...what the ***k is going on there? Are you crazy bro? you have other things to take care of, you shouldn`t get married! you are too ***king young!"

beep, beep....

( after 24 hours and 15 minutes...)

"You are right sis, I was drunk when I spoke to you last time. All I can say is that I`m in love with our neighboor`s daughter. She is the only girl in the city who has never had a boyfriend, and I want to be her first lover!"

beep, beep...

Edi is so f***ing stupid! he thinks same as an 80 years old-ish man (think)! I can`t believe he is my brother, I should better say, he is my "bother"!

Re: hello little sis, I`m getting married!

Citim:

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Po citoj ato që tha Ana1
"...what the ***k is going on there? Are you crazy bro? you have other things to take care of, you shouldn`t get married! you are too ***king young!"

beep, beep....

( after 24 hours and 15 minutes...)

"You are right sis, I was drunk when I spoke to you last time. All I can say is that I`m in love with our neighboor`s daughter. She is the only girl in the city who has never had a boyfriend, and I want to be her first lover!"

beep, beep...

Edi is so f***ing stupid! he thinks same as an 80 years old-ish man (think)! I can`t believe he is my brother, I should better say, he is my "bother"!

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That's all you had to say Ana?

I thought I found smthg interesting to read here finally (of course after Inge's messages )..

... (she) was feeling kinda seasick
but the crowd called out for more ...

I felt a surge of affection for...

I got a temporary job long-term potential. I worked at a law firm at 120 Broadway entering lawyer`s time-sheets into a database for 12 (twelve) bucks an hour. I worked with four woman in a tiny office called the Information Center. I sat at a computer and keyed in numbers all day, moving only three fingers of my right hand. On my lunch hour I had snarf peanut butter and jelly sandwiches from home then wander the tangled grid of streets east of Broadway. If I was feeling rich I`d spring for greasy Chinese food at Win Won, a little place with seating upstairs in an alley off Liberty Street. Most of the time I`d end up at the Strand`s Fulton Street Annex or at a place on Nassau Street called SoHo Books that sold overstock and remainders. Sometimes I`d walk to the World Trade Center and read magazines at Borders and walk around the mall...Being in the mall comforted me. It was like being at "Pazari i Evgjiteve" back in Albania...

Saturday morning I woke late...

I made a coffe and ate breakfast and watched some TV. I listened to the music and thumbed through some books and looked out the window and played guitar. Finally I walked to the back room and sat at my desk. I turned on my computer, opened a blank Word document, and stared at the blinking cursor without a thought in my head. I wrote for a while, stopped and read the lines. I read them over and over and then highlighted and deleted them and started again. After a while i stopped and deleted that too! I went to the kitchen for a glass of water and came back again. I looked at the tree outside my window then back at the screen. I typed some words and then stared at the tree again. Across the street a kid was yelling for Anthony to come out. I deleted what was on the screen and shut down my computer. I took a shower and left the apartment...

one by one... this is it!

Hello, and welcome to my continuing little diary ( even is not handwritten in here, still remains a diary!)

I went to N`s apartment early on Saturday and used the key he had given me to let myself in. He had worked late Friday night so I had not bothered to head to his place then, but I`d promise to be there before he got home Saturday. When he wasn`t home by seven, I started to get concerned. He had assured me that he would be home by six thirty at the absolute latest so he had have time to get ready for our dinner with Alissa and Jack. He was shooting something for a shoe company, and was supposed to start early to finish his job.
While I was waiting for him, I called Alissa.
"Hey Ana, she said. We still on for eight o`clock?"
"Definitely! I told her, but N. is not home yet, so I`m calling to say we might be a bit late"
"try not to be too late", said Alissa.
"I hope we won`t be honey"
...
Me and N. agreed on this date (with our friends) two days ago. N. showed up at his apartment around seven twenty. It was getting late for our dinner, but N. asked me if we can get "our desert" before we go out!
"We got a bit of time" I said adding a little wink. ( Maybe sex would put N. in a better mood, and I wouldn`t have any trouble getting him to our dinner date). Suddenly, N. enveloped me in his arms, and as our bodies pressed together, I could feel that he was ready to make love...We were both naked before we hit the bathroom. He released me to start the shower and adjust the temperature! Then he got into the shower , and offered me his hand. Warm water splashed across my face and my body...

once upon a time...

My mother still wasn't happy about "HIM". There were things he did that she couldn't pin on him directly, but she was suspicious! Like the calls he made to me every night, and when I didn't answer he either hung up or wouldn't leave a message. Sometimes he called late at night, the phone seeming to ring incredibly loud, just once, before I could grab it.
"Your mom hates me", he kept saying.
"She doesn't even know you", I said.
"And to know me as you have discovered, is to love me", he said.
...Because of this and other frustrations, my mother started making new rules. "No phone calls after 8:30,"she said one morning over her coffee cup, "Your friends should know better!"
"I can`t stop them from calling", I said.
"Okay, so you tell them you will get your phone taken away, she said courtly.
"Okay"...
There were other things too. Some nights when "HIM" knew I couldn't see him, he would drive by and just beep or sit idling at the corner of the building( pallat) across from my window. I knew he was waiting for me, but I could never go! I knew he knew that too. But he still came and waited. So, I would just lie there, smiling to myself, goofily secure in the knowledge that he was thinking about me for those few rumbling minutes before he hit the gas and screeched away...

A few years ago...

...One beautiful spring night, my mom was waiting for me inside. As I shut the door behind me, I could hear his engine rumbling, testing fate again. Really bad timing!
" you are late! My mom said."
" I know mom, Erisa and I were watching this movie, and I lost truck of time!"
" you weren't with Erisa! Nice try, Ana!"
This was a statement.
" where were you? Where did you go with him?"
" Mom, we were just out, it was nothing!"
" where did you go Ana????" now her voice was getting louder and louder..
" where does he live?" my mom kept asking.
" it doesn't matter!" I said softly...
My mom had her stony face , than that look again, like a storm crossing over me!
"it matters to me Ana! I don't know what's gotten into you lately, sneaking around, lying to my face, all of because of this boy that we don't even know! How can you keep lying to as Ana?! How can you be so dishonest?!"
" you don't understand mom", I said.

" go to bed Ana, my father said in a louder voice. So I went to my room, my heart thumping. As I passed the mirror in the hallway I glanced at myself, at a girl with her hair tumbling over her shoulders, and lips red from kissing HIM. I faced my reflection and committed this girl to memory, the girl who broke her mother's heart, never looking back ( the girl I was!)

before my return to America

...Suddenly my five senses went on full alert. He hadn`t made a sound but I knew the exact moment he had entered the room. I could actually feel his body heat getting closer as he crossed the room toward me. And then he was standing directly beside me. I could feel the warmth of his breath coming into contact with my neck. Instinctively, I leaned back at the same moment he wrapped strong arms around my waist, holding me tight.
" See what you do to me every time", he whispered in my ear. "It`s totally insane for me to want you so much!"
"Mmmm", was the only thing I could manage to murmur as I closed my eyes., knowing memories like this would have to sustain me forever. In a short time I would be living to return to America, and our lives apart.
I would return to my world, and he would stay at his...
I refuse to open my eyes when I felt his lips at the base of neck, then moving slowly to taste the area beneath my ear in one warm lick. Shivers ran through my body. He was making me want him and he knew it!