Forumi Horizont (http://www.forumihorizont.com/index.php3)
- Gjuha Angleze (http://www.forumihorizont.com/forumdisplay.php3?forumid=165)
-- I Found this curious ! (http://www.forumihorizont.com/showthread.php3?threadid=13033)

I Found this curious !

Who can explain these ?

Why, Why, Why ???


Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries
are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there
is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars,
but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle it comes in?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw
a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are
always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that
something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their
vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to
give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling
off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer
when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE...... The statistics on sanity are that one out of
every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of
your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

:VIRGO:. The Virgin

Dominant in relationships. Sexy. someone loves them right now. Freak in bed. Always wants the last word. Caring. Smart. Intellectual. Attractive. Loud. Loyal. Easy to talk to. Hard to forget Love at first sight. Everything you ever wanted. Easy to please. The one and only. Ultimate sexiness. 7 years of BAD luck if you do not repost.

.:SCORPIO:. The sex addict

Can be mean. EXTREMELY sexy. Intelligent. Energetic. Predict future. Most erotic. (Freak in bed.) (GREAT kisser.) Always get what they want. Sexy. Attractive. Easy going. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. The sexiest ever....Romantic. Caring. 4 years of abd luck if you do not repost.


.:LIBRA:. The lover

Very pretty. Very romantic. Nice to everyone They meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique sexiness. Most caring person you will ever meet! Amazing n Bed..!!! Did I say Amazing in Bed? not the kind of person you wanna #### with... u might end up crying... the most irresistible. 9 years of abd luck if you do not repost.

.:ARIES:. The Liar

Outgoing. Lovable. Spontanious. Not one to #### with. Erotic. Funny. Take you on trips to the moon in bed. Excellent kisser EXTREMELY sexy. Loves being in long relationships.=) Addictive. Loud. best in bed. 16 years of abd luck if you do not repost.


.:AQUARIUS:. Does it in the water

Trustworthy. Sexy. Great kisser. One of a kind. Loves being in long-term relationships. Extremely energetic. Unpredictable. Will exceed your expectations. Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lights out. Amazing in bed, THE BEST LOVERS BETTER THAN EVERYONE! 2 years of abd luck if you do not repost.


.:GEMINI:. Does Twosomes

Nice. Love is one of a kind. Great listeners Very Good in bed. Lover not a fighter, but will still knock you the #### out. Trustworthy. Always happy. Loud. Talkative. Outgoing VERY FORGIVING. Loves to make out. Has a beautiful smile. Generous. Strong. ULTRA SEXY. THE MOST IRRESISTABLE. 9 years of abd luck if you do not repost.


.:LEO:. The Lion in bed

Great talker. Sexy and passionate. Laid back. Knows how to have fun. Is really good at. Great kisser. Unpredictable. Outgoing. Down to earth. Addictive. Attractive. Loud. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Not one to mess with. Rare to find. Good when found. 7 years of abd luck if you do not repost.


.:CANCER:. The Cutie

MOST AMAZING KISSER. Very high ### appeal. Great in bed!!! Love is one of a kind. Very romantic. Most caring person you will ever meet! Entirely creative. Extremely random and proud of it. Freak in bed. Spontaneous. Great tellin stories. Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lights out if it comes down to it. Someone you should hold on to. 12 years of bad luck if you do not repost.




.ISCES:. The Piece of ass

Caring and kind. Smart. Center of attention. Too Sexy, DAMN IT. Very high ### appeal. Has the last word. The best to find, hardest to keep. Fun to be around. Freak in the sheets. Extremely weird but in a good way. Super good in bed. Good Sense of Humor!!! Thoughtful. A partner for life. Always gets what he or she wants. Loves to joke. Very popular. Silly, fun and sweet. 5 years of abd luck if you do not repost.


.:CAPRICORN The passioate Lover

Love to bust. Nice. Sassy. Intelligent. Sexy. Predict future. Irrestible, awesome kisser. Loves being in long relationships. Great talker. Always gets what he or she wants. BY FAR the BEST in BED. Very sexy. Coolest. Loves to own Gemini's in sports.
Extremely fun. Loves to joke. Loves to be your first. So you'll never forget. Smart. 24 years of abd luck if you do not repost.


.:TAURUS The Tramp

Aggressive. Freak in bed. Rare to find! Loves being in long relationships.=] Likes to give a good fight for what they want. Extremely outgoing. Sexy as ........ Loves to help people in times of need. Outstanding kisser. Very funny. Awesome personality. Stubborn. Sexual as ......... Most caring person you will ever meet! One of a kind. Not one to #### with. Are the most sexiest people on earth! 15 years of abd luck if you do not repost.



.:SAGITTARIUS:. The Sexy one

Spontaneous. Horny. Freak in Bed. High appeal. Rare to find. Great when found. Loves being in long relationships. The one. So much love to give. Not one to mess with. Very pretty. Very romantic. Nice to everyone They meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique sexiness. Most caring person you will ever meet! Amazing in Bed..!!! Did I say Amazing in Bed? Not the kind of person you wanna with you might end up crying. 4 years of bad luck if you dont

:CANCER:. The Cutie

MOST AMAZING KISSER. Very high ### appeal. Great in bed!!! Love is one of a kind. Very romantic. Most caring person you will ever meet! Entirely creative. Extremely random and proud of it. Freak in bed. Spontaneous. Great tellin stories. Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lights out if it comes down to it. Someone you should hold on to. 12 years of bad luck if you do not repost.

.:SAGITTARIUS:. The Sexy one

Spontaneous. Horny. Freak in Bed. High appeal. Rare to find. Great when found. Loves being in long relationships. The one. So much love to give. Not one to mess with. Very pretty. Very romantic. Nice to everyone They meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique sexiness. Most caring person you will ever meet! Amazing in Bed..!!! Did I say Amazing in Bed? Not the kind of person you wanna with you might end up crying. 4 years of bad luck if you dont

.:GEMINI:. Does Twosomes

Nice. Love is one of a kind. Great listeners Very Good in bed. Lover not a fighter, but will still knock you the #### out. Trustworthy. Always happy. Loud. Talkative. Outgoing VERY FORGIVING. Loves to make out. Has a beautiful smile. Generous. Strong. ULTRA SEXY. THE MOST IRRESISTABLE. 9 years of abd luck if you do not repost.

.:CANCER:. The Cutie

MOST AMAZING KISSER. Very high ### appeal. Great in bed!!! Love is one of a kind. Very romantic. Most caring person you will ever meet! Entirely creative. Extremely random and proud of it. Freak in bed. Spontaneous. Great tellin stories. Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lights out if it comes down to it. Someone you should hold on to. 12 years of bad luck if you do not repost.

Citim:

---

Po citoj ato që tha lezhjani-82
.:SAGITTARIUS:. The Sexy one

Spontaneous. Horny. Freak in Bed. High appeal. Rare to find. Great when found. Loves being in long relationships. The one. So much love to give. Not one to mess with. Very pretty. Very romantic. Nice to everyone They meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique sexiness. Most caring person you will ever meet! Amazing in Bed..!!! Did I say Amazing in Bed? Not the kind of person you wanna with you might end up crying. 4 years of bad luck if you dont

---

Citim:

---

Po citoj ato që tha Balerina

Nice comments about us...except for the freak part

---

.:GEMINI:. Does Twosomes

Nice. Love is one of a kind. Great listeners Very Good in bed. Lover not a fighter, but will still knock you the #### out. Trustworthy. Always happy. Loud. Talkative. Outgoing VERY FORGIVING. Loves to make out. Has a beautiful smile. Generous. Strong. ULTRA SEXY. THE MOST IRRESISTABLE. 9 years of abd luck if you do not repost.

---


I must say, i am really impressed at the accurancy of the description.

D ifference Between Women And Men

1.NAMES

If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2.EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20 , even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3.MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.

4.BATHROOMS

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.


5.ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument.

6.CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7.FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8.SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9.MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man
expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change , and she does.

10.DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11.NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12.OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13.THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.


AND FINALLY....


A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their
position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,

"Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

Citim:

---

Po citoj ato që tha lezhjani-82
5.ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument.


AND FINALLY....


A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their
position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,

"Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

---

Citim:

---

Po citoj ato që tha lezhjani-82
[B

.ISCES:. The Piece of ass

Caring and kind. Smart. Center of attention. Too Sexy, DAMN IT. Very high ### appeal. Has the last word. The best to find, hardest to keep. Fun to be around. Freak in the sheets. Extremely weird but in a good way. Super good in bed. Good Sense of Humor!!! Thoughtful. A partner for life. Always gets what he or she wants. Loves to joke. Very popular. Silly, fun and sweet. 5 years of abd luck if you do not repost.[/B]

---

Marriage
When a man steals your wife, there is no better
revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of
a coin; they just can't face each other, but still
they stay together.
Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll
be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a
philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us
from achieving them.
Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to
answer... is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some
paragraphs with me.
Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We
take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A
little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henry Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for
two years."
Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even
faster than electronic banking. It's called
marriage."
James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one
left me and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's
birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I
wanted to.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we
met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's
wrong
Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the
enemy
Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife
wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"

Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

hard staff

Kujt ti duhet...

http://rapidshare.com/files/2983574...iness_Terms.pdf

.:SCORPIO:. The sex addict

Can be mean. EXTREMELY sexy. Intelligent. Energetic. Predict future. Most erotic. (Freak in bed.) (GREAT kisser.) Always get what they want. Sexy. Attractive. Easy going. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. The sexiest ever....Romantic. Caring. 4 years of abd luck if you do not repost.



p.s Can be mean??

Citim:

---

Po citoj ato që tha briseide
.:SCORPIO:. The sex addict

Can be mean. EXTREMELY sexy. Intelligent. Energetic. Predict future. Most erotic. (Freak in bed.) (GREAT kisser.) Always get what they want. Sexy. Attractive. Easy going. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. The sexiest ever....Romantic. Caring. 4 years of abd luck if you do not repost.



p.s Can be mean??

---

Just for You

>
>ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
>
>
>TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their
>conversational skills will be as important as any other.
>
>
>THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you
>want.
>
>
>FOUR. When you say, "I love you," mean it.
>
>
>FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.
>
>
>SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
>
>
>SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.
>
>
>EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dream People who don't have dreams
don't
>have much.
>
>
>NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the
only
>way to live life completely.
>
>
>TEN. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
>
>
>ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.
>
>
>TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.
>
>
>THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer,
smile
>and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
>
>
>FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve
great
>risk..
>
>
>FIFTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
>
>
>SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson
>
>
>SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for
others;
>and responsibility for all your actions.
>
>
>EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
>
>
>NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps
to
>correct it.
>
>
>TWENTY. Smile when pickin g up the phone. The caller will hear it in
your
>voice.
>
>
>TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.
>
>Now, here's the FUN part!
>
>Send this to at least 5 people and your life will improve.
>
>1-4 people: Your life will improve slightly.
>
>5-9 people: Your life will improve to your liking.
>
>9-14 people: You will have at least 5 surprises in the next 3 weeks
>
>15 and above: Your life will improve drastically and everything you
ever
>dreamed of will begin to take shape.
>
>A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your
heart.

I like three the best.

[QUOTE]Po citoj ato që tha lezhjani-82
[B]:VIRGO:. The Virgin

Dominant in relationships. Sexy. someone loves them right now. Freak in bed. Always wants the last word. Caring. Smart. Intellectual. Attractive. Loud. Loyal. Easy to talk to. Hard to forget Love at first sight. Everything you ever wanted. Easy to please. The one and only. Ultimate sexiness. 7 years of BAD luck if you do not repost.


ncncncncncnc e mire mire ne tbojm me na dasht me zor....

tgjith shenjat sex back and forth..
funny lezhjani po me kto bad luck e ke prish i cik lol....

 

 

 

Birth Signs
 



    

AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes repeatedly. Everyone thinks you are a freakin' jerk.

PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20) You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence over your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people screw small animals and pick their noses.

ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19) You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are a prick.

TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20) You are practical and persistent. You have dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamn Communist.

GEMINI (May 21 - Jun 20) You are quick and intelligent and a thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

CANCER (Jun 21 - Jul 22) You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a damn.

LEO (Jul 23 - Aug 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leo people are thieving bastards and kiss mirrors a lot.

VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sep 22) You are the logical type and hate disorder. This shit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while screwing. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

LIBRA (Sep 23 - Oct 22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a male, you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are excellent. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of veneral disease.

SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21) You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpio people are murdered.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks and pot heads. People laugh at you a lot because you are always getting fucked.

CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chicken shit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.

> People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
> When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that
person..
> When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a
need you have expressed.
> They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you
with guidance and support,
> to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like
a godsend and they are.
> They are there for the reason you need them to be.
> Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
> this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an
end.
> Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
> Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
> What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire
fulfilled, their work is done.
> The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move
on.
>
>
[http://by127w.bay127.mail.live.com/...96&d=d1797&mf=0]
>
> Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has
come to share, grow or learn.
> They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
> They may teach you something you have never done.
> They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
> Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.
>
>
[http://by127w.bay127.mail.live.com/...96&d=d1797&mf=0]
>
> LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons,
> things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional
foundation.
> Your job is to accept the lesson,
> love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other
relationships and areas of your life..
> It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
>
>
[http://by127w.bay127.mail.live.com/...96&d=d1797&mf=0]
>
> Thank you for being a part of my life,
> whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.
>
>
[http://by127w.bay127.mail.live.com/...96&d=d1797&mf=0]
>
> Send this to every friend th at you have on-line,
> including the person who sent it to you.
>
> 0 Replies - you may need to work on your 'people skills'
> 2 Replies - you are nice but probably need to be more outgoing
> 4 Replies - you have picked your friends well!
> 6 Replies - you are downright popular
> 8 Replies or More - you are totally awesome
> (and that's probably why you're on MY list)
>
> I wonder what mine will be.
>
[http://by127w.bay127.mail.live.com/...%3dcid%253aimag GUARDIAN ANGEL
> Forward this message the same day y ou received it . It may sound
ridiculous, but it is right on time. We believe that something is about to
happen. Angels exist , only sometimes they haven't got wings and we
call them friends; you are one of them. Something wonderful is about to
happen to you and your friends.. Tomorrow at 11:04 somebody will address
you and tell you something you have been waiting to hear

Re: I Found this curious !

Citim:

---

Po citoj ato që tha lezhjani-82
Who can explain these ?

Why, Why, Why ???


Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries
are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there
is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars,
but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle it comes in?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw
a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are
always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that
something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their
vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to
give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling
off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer
when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE...... The statistics on sanity are that one out of
every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of
your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

---

Dear Wife,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

KEEP READING.......!!!!!!!!

========================================

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't come with energy
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the motion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.

I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"

The time you felt me move was because I was trying to breathe!

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, "B ert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it' ll be hanging down again tomorrow!"

Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied,
"Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.
Shoulda bought a hat."

Summer Classes for Men at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Friday, June 19th 2009
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.


Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.


Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.


Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.


Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM


Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM


Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.


Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.


Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined


Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.


Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined


Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion:
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.


Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.


Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Apple chief executive Steve Jobs has unveiled his new touchscreen computer called the iPad

Speaking at a news conference in San Francisco, Mr Jobs said: "We want to kick off 2010 by introducing a truly magical and revolutionary product.

"All of us use laptops and smartphones now.

"The question has arisen lately - is there room for a third category of device in the middle, something between the laptop and the smartphone?"

And then, to a round of applause, he showed off the new iPad, which has an on-screen keyboard, is half an inch thick (1.3cm) and weighs 1.5lb (0.7kg).

But after all the hype surrounding the launch, investors appeared to be underwhelmed by the unveiling.

Apple shares dropped more than 2% to a session low of $200.11.

Mr Jobs said the device, which has a 25cm colour screen, is "so much more intimate than a laptop and so much more capable than a smartphone."

Dressed in his trademark blue jeans and black turtleneck, Mr Jobs demonstrated some of the features of the iPad.

They said they include browsing the internet, playing games, listening to music and watching high-definition video.

"We've got movies, videos, TV shows," the chief executive added.

"We have been able to achieve 10 hours of battery life," he said. "I can take a flight from San Francisco to Tokyo and watch video the whole way on one charge."

Also at the launch, he announced the launch of an online bookstore dubbed "iBooks" for the iPad.

"We've got five of the biggest publishers in the world supporting us and will open the floodgates for the rest of the publishers starting this afternoon," Mr Jobs went on.

Earlier in the day, Sky News revealed that an official prototype of the device has been used by a UK design company to develop software.


Brandwidth were given the device to help them develop applications for Guinness World Records using some of the confirmed software features.

Dean Johnson, from Brandwidth told Sky News: "We've been told 'tablet' is simply the working title of the device because of the platform, but iPad is the front runner for the official name.

"We were given this prototype by Apple in December to help us develop software for Guinness.

"It's not the final version by any means, but it showcases some of the features of the digital publishing hub that the device will become.

"It has all the usual goodies you would expect from Apple, but the publishing will bring all that live. It's an ideal piece of kit."

Bandwidth revealed that device will run on an extension of the iPhone operating system.


http://uk.news.yahoo.com/5/20100127...th-3fd0ae9.html

God Hates Fags!

This should have been posted in religion subforums. But it's in english. Religious people are welcome to read it.


Kjo pjese duhej postuar tek Besimet Fetare, por eshte anglisht. Vlen te lexohet nga besimtaret te kuptuar pse fete mbjellin urrejtje, perbuzin homoseksualet dhe predikojne dhunen.

Hte phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

Citim:

---

Po citoj ato që tha SmoKer
Hte phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

---

Citim:

---

Po citoj ato që tha SmoKer
Hte phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

---

Medal of Honor

THE PRESIDENT: Please be seated. Good afternoon. And on behalf of Michelle and myself, welcome to the White House. And thank you, General Carver, for that beautiful invocation.

We are a nation of more than 300 million Americans. Of these, less than 1 percent wears the uniform of our Armed Services. And of these, just a small fraction has earned the badges of our Special Operations Forces.

In the finest military the world has ever known, these warriors are the best of the best. In an era that prizes celebrity and status, they are “quiet professionals” — never seeking the spotlight. In a time of war, they have borne a burden far beyond their small numbers — training foreign militaries to stand on their own; bringing schools and medicine to remote villages; and taking to the terrorists and insurgents who plot against us.

Few Americans ever see their service, but all Americans are safer because of it. And our hearts swell with pride just hearing their names, including the legendary Green Berets. Today, it is my privilege to present our nation’s highest military decoration — the Medal of Honor — to one of these remarkable soldiers, Staff Sergeant Robert J. Miller.

To do so, we are joined by Vice President Biden, and from the Miller’s family’s home state of Florida, a leader who helped make this day possible, Congresswoman Suzanne Kosmas.

We are joined by leaders from across my administration, including Secretary of Defense Robert Gates; Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Admiral Mike Mullen; and leaders from our Armed Forces, including Army Secretary John McHugh and Chief of Staff General George Casey, as well as Commander of Special Operations Command, Admiral Eric Olson.

We are honored to be joined by Rob’s fellow soldiers in whose ranks he served — his teammates from Alpha Company, 3rd Battalion, 3rd Special Forces Group from Fort Bragg, and those who now welcome him into their ranks, members of the Medal of Honor Society.

Most of all, we welcome more than 100 of Rob’s friends and family, especially his father Phil, his mother Maureen and his many brothers and sisters.

It has been said that courage is not simply one of the virtues, but the form of every virtue at the testing point. For Rob Miller, the testing point came nearly three years ago, deep in a snowy Afghan valley. But the courage he displayed that day reflects every virtue that defined his life.

Rob was wise beyond his years. Growing up in Wheaton, Illinois, outside of Chicago, he was the boy in school who penned a poem about American GI’s in World War II, men — like the soldier Rob would become himself — who he said fought day and night, fighting for what they thought was right.

Rob was born to lead — the high school gymnast who trained so hard his coach had to kick him out at night so they could close the gym. He was the Army recruit who pushed himself to his limits — both physically and mentally — to earn the title Green Beret. He was the Special Forces soldier who, on his first tour in Afghanistan, earned two Army Commendation Medals for his valor.

Devotion to duty. An abiding sense of honor. A profound love of country. These were the virtues that found their ultimate expression when Rob — just 24 years old and on his second tour — met his testing point on January 25, 2008.

Rob and his team were in the remote northwest of Afghanistan. Their mission: clear a valley of insurgents who had been attacking Afghan forces and terrorizing villagers. So when they came across an insurgent compound, Rob and his men made their move, unleashing their fire and calling in airstrikes.

Now, they were on foot, heading over to that destroyed compound, to assess the damage and gather intelligence. It was still dark, just before dawn. It was freezing cold — and silent, except for the crackle of their radios and the crunch of snow under their boots. Like so many times before, Rob was up front — leading a patrol of two dozen Afghans and Americans on a narrow trail along the valley floor, the steep mountains towering over them.

First, it was just a single insurgent, jumping out from behind a boulder. Then, the whole valley seemed to explode with gunfire. Within seconds, Rob and his patrol were pinned down, with almost no cover — bullets and rocket-propelled grenades raining down from every direction. And when enemy reinforcements poured in, the odds were overwhelming. Rob’s small patrol of two dozen men was nearly surrounded by almost 150 insurgents.

With the enemy just feets away — some so close he could see their faces — Rob held his ground. Despite the chaos around him, he radioed back enemy positions. As the only Pashto speaker on his team, he organized the Afghan soldiers around him. But the incoming fire, in the words of one soldier, was simply “astounding.”

Rob made a decision. He called for his team to fall back. And then he did something extraordinary. Rob moved in the other direction — toward the enemy, drawing their guns away from his team and bringing the fire of all those insurgents down upon himself.

The fighting was ferocious. Rob seemed to disappear into clouds of dust and debris, but his team could hear him on the radio, still calling out the enemy’s position. And they could hear his weapon still firing as he provided cover for his men. And then, over the radio, they heard his voice. He had been hit. But still, he kept calling out enemy positions. Still, he kept firing. Still, he kept throwing his grenades. And then they heard it — Rob’s weapon fell silent.

This is the story of what one American soldier did for his team, but it’s also a story of what they did for him. Two of his teammates braved the bullets and rushed to Rob’s aid. In those final moments, they were there at his side — American soldiers there for each other.

The relentless fire forced them back, but they refused to leave their fallen comrade. When reinforcements arrived, these Americans went in again — risking their lives, taking more casualties — determined to bring Rob Miller out of that valley. And finally, after fighting that raged for hours, they did.

When the dust settled and the smoke cleared, there was no doubt Rob Miller and his team had struck a major blow against the local insurgency. Five members of his patrol had been wounded, but his team had survived. And one of his teammates surely spoke for all of them when he said of Rob, “I would not be alive today if not for his ultimate sacrifice.”

This is the valor that America honors today. To Rob’s family and friends, I know that no words can ease the ache in your hearts. But I also know this — Rob’s life and legacy endures.

Rob endures in the pride of his parents. Phil and Maureen, you raised a remarkable son. Today and in the years to come, may you find some comfort in knowing that Rob gave his life doing what he loved — protecting his friends and defending his country. You gave your oldest son to America, and America is forever in your debt.

Rob endures in the love of his brothers and sisters, all seven of whom join us today. Your brothers laid down his life so you could live yours in security and freedom. You honor him by living your lives to the fullest, and I suspect Rob would be especially proud of his younger brother Tom, who, inspired by his big brother, is now training to be a Green Beret himself.

Rob endures in the Afghans that he trained and he befriended. In valleys and villages half a world away, they remember him — the American who spoke their language, who respected their culture and who helped them defend their country. They welcomed him into their homes and invited him to their weddings. And in a sign of their lasting gratitude, they presented Rob’s parents with a beautiful Afghan flag — Afghan rug, which hangs today in the Miller home, a symbol of the partnership between the people of America and Afghanistan.

Rob Miller endures in the service of his teammates — his brothers in arms who served with him, bled with him and fought to bring him home. These soldiers embody the spirit that guides our troops in Afghanistan every day — the courage, the resolve, the relentless focus on their mission: to break the momentum of the Taliban insurgency, and to build the capacity of Afghans to defend themselves, and to make sure that Afghanistan is never again a safe haven for terrorists who would attack our country. That is their mission, that is our mission, and that is what we will do. And I would ask Rob’s team, who were with him that day, to please stand and be recognized. (Applause.)

Finally, Rob Miller — and all those who give their lives in our name — endure in each of us. Every American is safer because of their service. And every American has a duty to remember and honor their sacrifice.

If we do — if we keep their legacy alive, if we keep faith with the freedoms they died to defend — then we can imagine a day, decades from now, when another child sits down at his desk, ponders the true meaning of heroism and finds inspiration in the story of a soldier — Staff Sergeant Robert J. Miller and a generation that “fought day and night, fighting for what they thought was right.”

That is the meaning of this medal. And that is our summons today, as a proud and grateful nation. So please join me in welcoming Phil and Maureen Miller for the reading of the citation. (Applause.)

MILITARY AIDE: The President of the United States of America, authorized by act of Congress, March 3rd, 1863, has awarded, in the name of the Congress, the Medal of Honor to Staff Sergeant Robert J. Miller, United States Army, for conspicuous gallantry and intrepidity at the risk of life above and beyond the call of duty.

Staff Sergeant Robert J. Miller distinguished himself by extraordinary acts of heroism while serving as the weapons sergeant in Special Forces Operational Detachment Alpha 3312, Special Operations Task Force 33, Combined Joint Special Operations Task Force Afghanistan, during combat operations against an armed enemy in Kunar Province, Afghanistan, on January 25th, 2008.

While conducting a combat reconnaissance patrol through the Gowardesh Valley, Staff Sergeant Miller and his small element of U.S. and Afghan National Army soldiers engaged a force of 15 to 20 insurgents occupying prepared fighting positions. Staff Sergeant Miller initiated the assault by engaging the enemy positions with his vehicle’s turret-mounted Mk 19 40-millimeter automatic grenade launcher, while simultaneously providing detailed descriptions of the enemy positions to his command, enabling effective, accurate close air support.

Following the engagement, Staff Sergeant Miller led a small squad forward to conduct a battle damage assessment. As the group neared the small, steep, narrow valley that the enemy had inhabited, a large, well-coordinated insurgent force initiated a near ambush, assaulting from elevated positions with ample cover.

Exposed and with little available cover, the patrol was totally vulnerable to enemy rocket-propelled grenades and automatic weapons fire.

As a point man, Staff Sergeant Miller was at the front of the patrol, cut off from supporting elements and less than 20 meters from enemy forces. Nonetheless, with total disregard for his own safety, he called for his men to quickly move back to cover positions as he charged the enemy over exposed ground and under overwhelming enemy fire in order to provide protective fire for his team.

While maneuvering to engage the enemy, Staff Sergeant Miller was shot in the upper torso. Ignoring the wound, he continued to push the fight. Moving to draw fire from over 100 enemy fighters upon himself, he then again charged forward through an open area in order to allow his teammates to safely reach cover.

After killing at least 10 insurgents, wounding dozens more and repeatedly exposing himself to withering enemy fire while moving from position to position, Staff Sergeant Miller was mortally wounded by enemy fire. His extraordinary valor ultimately saved the lives of seven members of his own team and 15 Afghan National Army soldiers.

Staff Sergeant Miller’s heroism and selflessness above and beyond the call of duty and at the cost of his own life are in keeping with the highest traditions of military service and reflect great credit upon himself and the United States Army.

John Perkins

A dose of reality (anglisht me titra italisht):

-Fall of the Republic-

Citim:

---

Po citoj ato që tha kurti
this is good news for people like me that cant spell

---

Mire e...

Bravo i qofte ktij bullafiqit

uau te le pa fjale

A LOT OF JOKES ABOUT BLONDE FEMALES FLOAT AROUND THE INTERNET BUT SOME MAY BE SURPRISED THAT THERE IS A WHOLE GROUP OF JOKES ABOUT MEN THAT MANY DO NOT SEE. ENJOY THIS OTHER SIDE OF THE COIN.

One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' she replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, 'OHIO STATE!'

And they say blondes are dumb....

--------------------------------------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world...'

The woman replies, 'I'll miss you......'
--------------------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower..'Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'

'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
--------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor
-------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

AMEN
-----------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.
----------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy. .
----------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
----------------------------------------
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end to wipe..
----------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'
-----------------------------------------

While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world.........

......then He made the earth round.