BluE_icE
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Regjistruar: 23/06/2004
Vendbanimi: on the palm of God's hand
Mesazhe: 200
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reflection
When i called her and talked to her she surprised me .
-When am i reading your poetries ?-she asked
I wasn't believing what i was listening.My mom wanted to read my writings.The very person that 2-3 years ago used to tell me that i'd better study and not write insinuating in this way (indirectly) that writing was a waste of time.
Well of course everyday i would write my inspirations down then study.(even though in a way she was right)
And then my surprise grew when she asked me for the 2nd time if i had the possibility to publish them here.
And me ,full of enthusiasm told her that yes, i would prepare all my manuscripts and send them to her.
After the call i thought it over again. I couldn't give them to her.My stories would upset her and upseting her was the last thing i wanted to do .
Even now i can imagine her possible reaction after reading the stories .She would say:
-Too pesimsitic Lori,very sad.
I remembered when i had read her just by chance two of my poetries and she had had the same reaction. But then i also remembered that she had praised my abstract way of writing after i had commented all the underlying meanings and symbolisms. She tried to understand ,to be part of my helter-skelter world.Now that i am thinking of it ,she did a whole lot.(and does )
But how could i have the heart to give those writings to her? Almost all of them were pessimistic ,characters that ended dead ,lonely ,sad and full of pain.At the time i loved the writers of the Lost Generation: Kafka, Remarque, Kamy ,Heminguej.
My first novel (5 years ago)ended with the death of the two main characters.After being separated for 7 years and then by chance they meet in a hospital room she dies from cancer and he from grief suicides himself.
My goodness ,what was i thinking then?
I was so playig with the characters ,without having any respect at all ,using them as toys of absurdity and chance.No wonder i called it :Lodra Fati. How could i have been such an irresponsible writer?? When you write a character ,he grows in you ,the traits ,the personality. How could i make them dead with a snap of a finger?Writting is a serious process.Now i realize i had taken the role of "god".Imagine if God whom i have started to have faith in suddenly wants to be irresponsible toward his creation,his artwork ,his world,what would happen?
How about the second novel?
The painter paints his own death before dying of overdose.And he goes away full with sadness and regretts for the life he has lead.
And what about the tragedy :Eliza ?
A very innocent childlike girl that before ending up in the streets of Greece.. ,dies .(and that for me was the deffinition of a happy ending since i prefered death to that kind of life)
What was i feeling then?Writing this dreamlike scenarios with people eating hearts,bodies being broken into pieces and characters in search of some "glue".Esi rebelling agaisnt S.Ego inspired (of course )by Freud. Abstract and impressionist panoramas described, characters trapped in dedalus ,ice ,mockery and pain.
Blind people falling in love during the 97 crisis,dictatorships paralyzing in voids.
And remembering all this i was not proud at all about myself .I refused then and now to let anyone read those writings.I just don't like them .They hardly have any funny light-hearted conversation in.They don't make me laugh.I just keep them to see where have i been and where am i going..
What kind of freaking message did i want to transmit to people who read them ? (esp my friends)--that life is full of pain and darkness (not a single truth in it)That humans are so small and worthless compared to a bug or ant (kafka's paralelism too) What?
And then there came a time when i wrote just pieces ,short stories of 2-5 pages,fragments that showed mixed feelings of sadness and hope ,of melancholy and romanticism , some jokes around , some sunrays caressing the face,bittersweet statements,breathing and searching for wings, fullfilling the soul .But i could still feel the existencialist textures,being the nomade,the wanderer, roaming for answers,the torning appart between two worlds PAIN and HAPPINESS. (because there are poeple that hate their pain and still cannot do without it ,they think that pain is all what they are and love it just the same)
At that time my characters still continued to die(not all of them) but there was hope lingering , there was more love and passion , i wrote with colors and flavor,some heat and zest,red fire mixed up with black flames.
Poetries were of births and love , of breaking chains free,
I made of myself from a clock (rera ne qelq... )to wings...
And just some days ago i was complaining to the fishface that i just had run out of ideas for writing. And even though i didn't tell him that i was scared about this huuuge writers' block that had struck me he seemed to have understood me very well.
We always make jokes with each-other telling that we -february people get along very well .And it's true.I read him like an opened book.
"Cough september cough" ----- (a joke 4 M that always "compalins" about february people.
He told me nowadays it is very difficult to be unique .There are many people out there that want to do the same.
-Yes but how do you get to be unique in all this crazyness?
-Frankly,i don't really know-he said starting to eat his steak and corns when we were sitting at CLUB 99.-it's like the ants. Even the ants have identity ...
-...unless we wouldn't know that there existed ants ,worker ants ,ants that rule -i laughed when i finished his thought.
-Because everything has been repeated so many times ,you have to come up with something new ,something that is unique ,that is so you.
-You are basically saying that i should look deeper into myself for shattering the block?- i said then i stuffed a fajita in my mouth ,tasting it slowly.
-Yes write about your life .the variety of characters that i have known since i entered your life,put some of your imagination in it .
-Seems so easy when you say it .You know ido put imagination in it but it is just that all i have written in my notebooks recently are pieces here and there without connection .
-You should read Harry Potter-he said convincingly.
-Oh please ,you know i just can't read Harry Potter .
-Well the woman is a genius ,she has put together real life with fantasy. Don't start from the first book ,start from the third.You have seen the first two movies right ?
-Excuse me! I fell asleep in the first one ,are you kidding me ?- I laughed-It's like a tale. i would never sit down and read Harry Potter .I just can't .
-Well trust me ,You'll love it .
-Since when have i trusted you on movies?-i teased him-You consider Spiderman I like the romance of the year .
-Hey ,that's what guys like.-he said and laughing started on his food again.I luaghed too.
Only then i realized why i had this block .
My whole world had turned upside down.(good sense)
I had changed a lot ,my world view also .
I laughed more, joked more, didn't feel pain at all , had surpassed the challenge of opening boxes and throwing some away, helped people e lot with all my heart cos my heart finally had melted, was so warm ,so soothing,so loving.I had just returned into a very sweet person.There was no bitterness in my words,no angriness, no sarkazm:simply happy. And it had taken me a while to become ,a lot of patience and work.I remember e saying:no man grows wise without he has his share of winters(from the ancient brittish writing -the wanderer).And i think it suits perfectly to happiness too.
I hope this period is just a transitory one for my writings ,i hope i will get over the block but one thing i am sure about it,is this VOW -(similar to the one i did for not reading anymore lost generation writers) -I promise that in the future i will never ever make a character die unless i have a very strong reason or powerful motive that will oblige me to do so.
END
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Fear less,hope more/eat less,chew more/whine less,breathe more/talk less,say more/love more and all good things will be yours:p(swedish proverb)
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